Hoda Kotb Reflects on the End of Relationship to Joel Schiffman

Hoda Kotb is opening up about the end of her relationship — and the “epiphany” that preceded it.

In an excerpt of her new book, Jump and Find Joy, shared with Today.com, the former TV personality, 61, shed more light on when — and why — she decided to end her romantic relationship with ex-fiancé Joel Schiffman.

Kotb announced the end of her engagement to Schiffman, 67, on Today in 2022 after they had been together for seven years, and the pair are now friends and co-parents to daughters Haley, 8, and Hope, 6.

Kotb recalled in the excerpt that after attending a week-long retreat at the Hoffman Institute, which aims to help people “make significant positive changes” in their lives, she felt like “everything had shifted” — including her relationship with Schiffman, per Today.com. 

“Our ‘us’ felt different,” the mom of two wrote in Jump and Find Joy.

While standing before the Hoffman Institute leaders and her fellow participants, Kotb recalled in the excerpt, she explained why she decided to attend the retreat — and made a difficult admission relating to her relationship.

“I knew I could say that I wanted to better myself or something vague like that. But when I looked around at all the people who’d shared their raw truth, I felt so moved by their honesty,” she wrote in the book.

“They deserved the same from me. So, I said it. I told the truth about why I had come,” Kotb continued. “‘I am a total phony in my relationships,’ I said. ‘I’m a pretender.’”

In an interview with Today.com about the new book, Kotb revealed what she meant by “pretender,” telling the outlet, “I think sometimes you know that a relationship is — I would say good — but you think to yourself it’s not deepening.”

“So,” she said, “you continue along [in] the relationship, and I think the truth of the matter is sometimes you have to say to yourself, like, ‘I feel like I’m an optimist.’ And so, when you’re an optimist, you want to make things work, and sometimes, things don’t.”

The Today alum also said that the moment she made that admission was “one of the best ten-second decisions” of her life, and elaborated further on the current status of her relationship with Schiffman.

“I loved Joel then, and I love Joel now,” the Jump and Find Joy author told Today.com. “I just had to remind myself that it was a different kind of love.”

“You can still love and admire someone and not want to be in a relationship, a long-term relationship that way, personal relationship,” said Kotb.

That moment, she added, “just was an epiphany for me, and it took courage for me to say it. And when I did, I felt like, ‘OK, there it is.’ ”

“I think we’ve always been connected and will always be connected for many reasons,” the former TV personality told the outlet of her ex-fiancé. “We will co-parent in a beautiful way, but I also think our ‘us’ is more of a, like, we’re dear friends now. And that’s beautiful, and it’s enjoyable and it feels right.”

Added Kotb: “We were laughing the other day just in hysterics, and I feel like this is the right relationship for us to have.”

In the same interview, the mom of two also revealed that while she is not actively looking for a partner, she is “longing for a soul connection.”

She is “convinced” that there is “someone meant for me out there,” she told the website. “I have no doubt in my mind that that exists and that person is out there.”

Schiffman proposed to Kotb in 2019 and the couple adopted daughter Haley in 2017 and Hope in 2019. While announcing their split on the air in 2022, Kotb said,  “We decided that we’re better as friends and parents than we are as an engaged couple, so we decided we are going to start this new year … on our new path as loving parents to our adorable, delightful children, and as friends.”

Discussing the exes’ co-parenting strategy with PEOPLE after the split, the Today alum explained, “He’ll have a Saturday, and I’ll do the Sunday. We switch each week. He’ll take the girls and do some fun things, and I’ll take some quiet time. It’s a healthy mix, and the kids love it. He’s a great dad.”

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Jump and Find Joy is available now wherever books are sold.