Mom Fears New Baby May Be ‘Wedging a Block’ Between Her and Her Husband

A mom of two is asking for advice on how to help her husband bond with their newborn.

In a post on the parenting subreddit, the original poster (OP) shared that she, 27, and her husband, 33, recently welcomed their second baby, a son, and already share a 2-year-old daughter together. OP said that her husband revealed to her that he “feels very distant and uninvolved” with the second baby compared to their first.

“My husband has been primarily taking care of our toddler while I take care of the baby, and it has felt like 2 separate jobs instead of 2 parents taking care of 2 kids together,” the mom of two wrote. “I have been trying to involve my husband and daughter with the baby more, by bringing him into the living room for feeds, but he quickly falls back asleep and will only sleep in the room.”

“I am quickly separated from the family when the baby starts to cry and needs a feed or change, and it makes me feel bad I can’t just hang out with them,” she explained. “My husband hasn’t fed the baby yet, and has changed a handful of diapers (not because he doesn’t want to, because he is constantly busy with our other child), and hasn’t really even got to hold him much.”

The newly minted mom of two went on to say she feels like this situation is “wedging a block between us,” adding she doesn’t like the way it is making them feel.

“I don’t want him to become detached from me and the new baby and I don’t want [my] daughter to feel like I’m not giving her attention,” she said, adding that while she was writing the post her husband was going to take their toddler to the park and have her stay home with the baby. “I said I don’t want to [and] that I would rather go to the park with my family.”

OP concluded the post asking if this feeling her husband is having will eventually fade and for suggestions on how to fix the problem.

Many users went to the comment section to share their advice for the mom of two. One commenter told OP that time is an important factor in the situation, noting that the family needs time to “firm up.”

“I think time is the factor you need here. It’s only been a week! You’re still healing. Your newborn is still so squishy and small. You both need time to firm up,” the user wrote. “You and your baby need way more rest than your husband and daughter. They can take care of each other for a little while and then you can make progressive moves to merge the whole family together once everyone is more on the same level.”

“Your concern over your husband’s feelings is wonderful and I’m sure he can see that you’re taking them seriously and working toward making everyone feel connected,” the commenter added. “You’re doing a great job!”

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Another user explained that their first few months with two children were also “rough,” but now they “love having two kids.”

“The first few months of #2 were rough for us. My husband took the baby sometimes later in the evening and in the morning for a couple hours so I could sleep more,” the commenter wrote. “He babywore and cared for our older child during those times.”

“There were moments where he really wished we hadn’t had a second kid. Our second is now 2.5 and while we do have moments of challenge, overall we love having two kids,” the user admitted. “We took them to another country back in February and had an amazing time. We go on walks as a family a lot and spend a lot of time all together.”

One commenter expressed that the feeling is “definitely normal,” reassuring OP that there are “seasons to parenting.”

“I think that’s definitely normal. There are seasons to parenting, and they’re different with each child,” the user wrote. “Keep trying to involve him when you can and switch duties and take over the toddler for him. You’re still healing as well so it’s expected to take it easy and be there for baby. You guys will find your flow in time!”