Woman Refuses to Change Annual Party Tradition for Her New Boyfriend

A woman says her new boyfriend is upset that she refused to change a key element of her annual end-of-summer party to accommodate him — and she’s not sure if she was being unreasonable.

The 42-year-old detailed her story on the popular Reddit forum “Am I the A——?,” a place where Reddit users can go to seek advice about interpersonal dilemmas. In her post, the woman explained that she has been hosting a backyard summer party in her neighborhood for “years.”

“It’s always the same setup: adults and kids come, we all celebrate together, and at some point, the kids go to sleep while the adults continue the evening,” she added.

She continued, “This year’s plan was the same: I was going to bring my kids (6 & 10yo) inside to sleep at our home, which is right next to the backyard. From the balcony, there is both audio and visual access to the yard, and my kids also have a phone they can use to call me if needed.”

However, she said that her boyfriend of six months — who has two children, ages 5 and 7 — is not “comfortable” with this plan.

“He […] didn’t like the idea of putting [his kids] to bed at my place while he stayed outside with me, or going to bed with them while I stayed outside,” she added.

Never miss a story — sign up for PEOPLE’s free daily newsletter to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer​​, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories.

The original poster (OP) said she told her boyfriend she “understood completely,” and that she “didn’t have a problem with him choosing not to come” —  but this only upset him.

“He […] said that he and his kids weren’t actually welcome at the party because of the way the party was set up,” she said.

The PEOPLE Puzzler crossword is here! How quickly can you solve it? Play now!

“I explained that this party has been running for years with the same format, and it’s not really something I can or want to change for one guest,” she said, adding, “My view is that guests can decide if the event works for them, and if not, they don’t have to come.”

The OP went on to say that her boyfriend ultimately did not come to the party, and “on top of that” he was “very hurt” that she did not call him during the festivities. 

“I didn’t have time to call him because I wanted to focus on my guests and enjoy the evening,” she explained.

“This all turned into a big argument,” the OP continued, before asking, “AITA [am I the a——?] for not changing the setup of a tradition (and for not calling during the party) to accommodate my boyfriend and his kids?”

Commenters were quick to tell the OP that she was not being unreasonable — and that her new boyfriend may be exhibiting some concerning red flags.

“NTA [not the a——],” one person said. “He was testing the waters to see if he can control you. And now he is trying to manipulate you. You did nothing wrong.”

“Setting boundaries doesn’t make you selfish; it shows you respect your own traditions,” added someone else.

Another person said, “It also shows a lack of ability to compromise. Why couldn’t he come for the first few hours and leave when his kids got tired? Or find a babysitter and go alone? He had options he could have pursued.”